EllyRox

As I sat in the office on the wrong end of a 14 hour shift, I wonder to myself how I got where I am, and how will I ever get where I thought I’d be?

Life never does what you expect it to. I never expected to drop out of college, I never expected my grandfather to suddenly pass away late one June morning. I never expected to cut people out of my life so neat and clean that but for old pictures, you’d never know they’d been there.  I never expected to feel helpless, and ruthless at the same time.

What did I expect? I don’t entirely know. I know that I always thought I’d get married one day, and I still do, but that picture has changed a lot. For one, I thought my grandfather would get to see it. I also thought that I’d have at least a BA, again, that’s not off the table, but not how I thought it would go. I thought by 26 I’d be on my own instead of still on the crutches of the family unit. I thought something would feel solid and substantial in my life.

I guess my point is, I thought I’d know more by now, that I’d have at least some things more figured out once I was a “grown up.” The funny thing that no one tells you as you’re growing up is that no one else, not even the “grown ups” in your life know any more than you will.

It’s a case of “fake it ’til you make it” on a grand scale. Teachers, Politicians, Preachers, Counselors, no one really has the answers. It’s a frightening thing to realize that everyone else is just as lost as you are. We all just do what we can, keep going to work, paying the bills, and try to build or sustain the life we believe we should have.

Some people, seem to be very secure in their decisions, and how I envy that kind of .. I don’t even know what you’d call it. Commitment? Naivete? Intuition? Is it smarter to be stubborn and cocksure of your future, and charge towards it at full steam or to analyze every move, every interest or skill as a possible route to stability, or better yet, fortune?

I don’t know, if I did, I wouldn’t be who or where I am. I guess the plan is to pour another cup of coffee, keep my head down and keep moving, keep doing, keep working, until something fits, something makes sense.

What else can you do?