As we descend into the new year, I am unpacking 35 years of CPTSD, trauma and abuse. It’s not fun, and if I’m honest, I hate it, but I hate the alternative more.
The problem with finally escaping and addressing childhood trauma; it’s exhausting. I don’t know if I can fully express how truly, deeply depleted it leaves you. I was talking with my husband about it, and I recalled the band ‘Soul Coughing’ and I’d never particularly thought about the name, but that’s entirely what it feels like.
Going through all this is like clearing up congestion in my whole being. So, rather than sit in it, I am choosing the uncomfortable thing, and addressing everything, and it’s domino impact on my health. It’s a tag team combo between genetics, trauma, and mental illness that has lead to the perfect cocktail of having all of my family’s physical ailments, on top of the disability from a car accident I’ve been living with for a decade.
It feels like an unyielding wave, but when the other choice is to carry all that weight, it’s a no brainer for me. We all suffer, suffering is inevitable, but I’m going to try to use mine to better my life. It would be a disservice to myself and the people I love, who love me. Suffering is required for joy to exist.
Coming to terms with new information (AuDHD evaluations, yay!) and unfolding old programing is challenging, but I’m essentially trying to reverse engineer happiness. I think I can get somewhere.
EllyRox 