I am finally coming out of the 5-ish year hibernation and boy howdy has a lot of crazy shit happened. This is the tale of how a 7 year friendship I held close to my heart imploded during the panorama.
In 2019 a friend of mine, I’ll refer to as ‘Fredo’ was going through a bumpy patch and in an abundance of love, and lack of boundaries or self worth I made it my life’s mission to help him get back on his feet.
I bought him plane tickets, sent him money between paychecks, helped him with legal info, helped him re-birth his career (only to tank it completely again, multiple times) and in the process found out that not only was I being told the same spiel he was giving to like 6-8 other people at any given time, he was just manipulating the ever loving fuck out of all of us, with nearly identical scripts. Telling each of us slightly different versions of the ‘truth’. He tried to interfere with my marriage even. I let him get his claws in deep.
We aged from 19-36, and he was a black out alcoholic (likely schizophrenic but refused help), I was so endeared to this person that I let my brain blow through so many red flags I could have been a bull.
In my efforts, I helped him and his room mate establish a twitch channel, I got us to partner in 6 months helming the ship, eventually I was brought on from manager to host, shortly after making partner, I wound up leaving the channel because making content was also making me miserable on top of serious health issues I was and am still dealing with.
During our friendship I was not the best version of myself; I did not advocate for the other women in his throes and in some cases we made enemies of each other, which really sucks because there were some pretty cool people, but I get it, and I don’t hold anything against anyone for how they acted during our friendship. I lost several friends over our friendship, I wasn’t down bad, I was down catastrophic.
I was raised by physically and emotionally abusive narcissists, so fighting to feel worthy in someone’s life is part of the programming installed during my childhood (that I am working through in therapy for the past few years)
After everything I put myself, my husband, my friends, and my sister through (yes, they all had to listen to me cry about my poor friend who I was so worried about) my guy turns around and straight up LIES about some shit he pulled, and threw me under the entire god damn bus. He deleted the tweet, but the damage was done, and one of his overzealous stalker/detractors decided it was all true and started a social media smear campaign.
Even after trying to rationally explain, this person went after me doggedly for weeks. This was the straw that broke the camels back, apparently you can lie to me, be casually cruel, gaslight me, play with my friendship and feelings, but my line in the sand is my reputation. I haven’t done much good in this world, but I’ve not done so much bad either, and having my FRIEND publicly slander me was just too much.
After talking with him and trying to explain why this was so upsetting and getting told it’s nbd etc. I was done. I stopped talking to him, I blocked on everything, I let my co-hosts know (we had since replaced him anyway) and now the partnered channel belongs to two dudes I barely talk to. I let ‘Fredo’ take so much from me, and I gave it all freely, this was the last of it.
Since the summer of 2020 we haven’t spoken, I’ve gotten the errant email, poking me to see if he’ll get a response, and I’m still friends with his mom because tbh she was and is a better friend to me than her son. I’m at a point now where I don’t have any ill will, but I don’t have any fondness left in me. Every now and then his content will find it’s way to me and I either block or ask whomever shared not to send me his work anymore. It just breaks my heart.
We still have mutual friends, but only a few and they’re kind enough not to bring him up to me. I don’t hate him I just don’t want to know him anymore, and it’s become crystal clear he never really knew me. I do miss him sometimes, even if he’s not the person I thought he was.
EllyRox 